| | Sometimes I look at my life as a Christian and wonder: where is the suffering? I know that God has warned of suffering Christians will endure because of their faith - but sometimes I don't see it. I at least don't see it in the traditional denotation of suffering. But in my life, I think God has called me to endure a type of modern suffering that I must persevere through in order to pursue His great vision for my life.
I just started my 4th semester at SMU. I'm a Computer Engineering / Mathematics double major. That's enough for most people to say "Wow!"- turn around - *cough* "Nerd." (Emphasis on the cough.)
But here enlies the problem: I really don't consider myself any type of scientist and barely an engineer. I am an artist. I would much rather be producing or creating or dreaming something up - and then leading something great, spectacular, and most importantly - effective. These are my natural and rewarding strengths - to produce art. Not painting. Not welding together random pieces of metal and selling it to some clueless person to put in front of an office building. Nothing traditional (I don't think I have one traditional bone in my body).
This internal conflict between scientist and artist has surely led me to question my major. I've suffered many difficult and confusing days where all I can do is think "Why am I doing this?" For some reason I've never changed my major/direction in school. I've considered it. But where I am has always seemed "right." It has always seemed like the "correct" path I was chosen to take because, while I don't enjoy it - I'm quite good at it (and so humble too).
But something clicked today. I don't know why just today - it seems as though I've known this answer in the back of my mind all along - or maybe it's clicked before, I've forgotten, and now remembered again. Nonetheless, it has been brought to my forethought today. Why am I doing this? - I am in preparation. For what? To be prepared to do something unsatisfying for the rest of my life? - No! I am in preparation to use my knowledge, skills, and abilities in science to create some form of amazing art. Some of you may be going... that's it? That's your big revelation? Yes. You see - this is an amazing combination of strengths that not a lot of people have. You have your scientists/engineers. You have your artists. Separated. Divided. Two completely different types of people - with different strengths, different goals, different satisfactions. But God has a special calling for me. Let me not boast on my behalf, but on His. He has a special calling for me to use my unique blessings to bridge the gap and produce something grand. What? I don't know yet. But that's OK. I'm in preparation. My suffering is a different kind. I suffer the ever-growing capacity to do something great - but needing to wait patiently for my Lord to prepare me for my calling and then to finally say "Go!"
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| | Posted 1/17/2007 11:05 PM - 9 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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